Wander Over Yonder: The Witch Doctor pt. 2

Sylvia was becoming increasingly worried for every minute that ticked by without Wander showing up. It'd been over an hour since he left to pick up "food products," and now she was kicking herself for not going with him. Common sense told her that he probably got distracted by someone who needed help, but her surrogate "older sibling" intuition told her that the little guy was in trouble.

"Okay, that's it," she muttered, once the clock struck 11.

Sylvia got up and ran across the suite, but just as she opened the door...

"Wander!"

The Star Nomad was standing in the hallway with a bewildered look on his face, but Sylvia didn't seem to notice as she pulled her friend into the safety of the room.

"Where've you been, pal??!"

Wander nervously licked his lips and repeated, "Where've I been... Yeah...um..."

Sylvia couldn't help but notice that Wander's Southern accent seemed a little...off.

"You feelin' okay, buddy?"

"Yeah!" Wander replied. "Yeah, I'm good! I just...uh...need a glass o' water...or something...

"I'll get it. Stay right there."

As she went to the kitchen, Sylvia began to feel a little silly for getting so worked up. Of course, Wander was fine. He was a little goofy and capricious sometimes, but he wasn't a child. Now that she thought about it, she had been a little overprotective lately. Maybe he left tonight because he needed some space. He could take care of himself. Sometimes Sylvia just forgot what the little guy was capable of.

Meanwhile, Wander had started pacing around the living room in a panic. However, as his eyes adjusted to the light, his pupils shrunk, revealing the bright red irises of Commander Peepers!

"OH NO, OH NO, OH NO!!" the transformed Watchdog stammered. "What's going on??! Why am I...?? Why do I look like...??"

Peepers blinked with one eye at a time, sending himself into another tizzy.

"AUGH! I GOT TWO EYES NOW!!" he gasped, covering said eyes so he ended up bumping into the wall.

"Buddy? You okay in there?"

Realizing what Sylvia would do to him if she caught on to him, Peepers hastily answered, "I'm...okay, Sylvia, ol' pal o' mine! Just need to get some shuteye...er, eyes...shuteyes...?"

"Uh...I guess you do..."

Soon the lights were out, and Peepers was lying stiff as a board in bed with one of his mortal enemies sleeping only a few feet away from him. He silently cursed that blasted voodoo man. This wasn't what he'd wanted at all. How was he supposed to earn Hater's respect like this? Worst case scenario: Sylvia finds out who he really is and beats the flarf out of him, then Hater finishes him off thinking that he's Wander. Best case scenario: ...he starts wreaking havoc as Wander until everybody in the galaxy hates the little do-gooder.

A sinister smile spread across Peepers', or rather Wander's, face. Maybe he could work with this after all.

----

Wander opened his tired eyes, his entire body feeling like he'd been hit with the Disaster Blaster 5000. Somehow during the night, he'd ended up in the middle of the desert, and the mid-morning sun was already blazing hot.

"Ugh...I'm achin' all over..." he groaned.

He tried lifting his head, which felt strangely heavy, and immediately became aware of his throbbing fingertip. He hoped it wasn't still bleeding, or worse, had gotten infected. He glanced down at his hand, dreading what he would see...

"HUH?! M-MY HANDS!! WHAT HAPPENED TO 'EM??!!"

All at once, Wander was wide awake when he saw that his fuzzy, orange digits had changed into massive, black, razor-sharp claws. However, that was nothing compared to what the rest of his body looked like.

"My belly!! My fur!! My...tail?"

Wander turned his head to see if this strange new appendage was actually attached to him, and quickly realized that he had two more new limbs growing out of his back: the flame-colored wings of a Doom Dragon.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Wander tried to flee, but he couldn't escape from his own body. He was now three tons of black scales, horns, yellow eyes, and teeth like meat cleavers. Not used to this twisted form, Wander tripped all over himself, as his efforts to scramble away proved in vain.

"Oh, this is bad!" Wander moaned. "This is very, very, very, very BAD!!"

Hyperventilating, Wander attempted to stand on two legs, but fell flat on his chest when he tried to take a single step.

"OOF!! I can't even walk on m'own two feet anymore!! What am I gonna DO??!"

On top of barely being able to stand, Wander had no control over his wings and tail, which flopped all over the place as he struggled to his feet once more. At one point, he knocked a boulder down from one of the rock formations. As a force of habit, he picked it up and put it back where it came from before continuing to fret over the situation. It took a full two minutes for him to realize that he'd just lifted that huge hunk of stone all by himself.

"Hey!" Wander gasped, his optimism returning. "Maybe this ISN'T such a bad thing after all! Maybe, with m'newfound strength, I'll be able to help Sylvia and the Empress in all kinds o' ways! They probably won't recognize me at first, but once I show 'em that I'm still the same ol' Wander deep down inside, they're sure to come around and accept me once more!"

Wander could envision the whole thing in his head, much like he did when he and Sylvia set out to return a giant egg to its nest, complete with a pink filter and a voice singing, "deep down inside, y'all," as he spread his wings to wrap his friends in a hug. Speaking of which, he had wings now.

"I guess the Doctor wasn't kidding when he mentioned the 'wings.' Now I just gotta figure out how t'fly with 'em."

Getting off the ground proved easy enough. The issue, of course, was steering. Wander kept trying to tug on Sylvia's reins to change directions, only to realize that she wasn't here when he inevitably crashed into a rock or tumbled to the ground. He knocked over several boulders in the process, stopping every time to put them back. This was going to take a little more getting used to than he thought.

----

"Of course the wandering weirdo's a vegetarian," Peepers grumbled, scraping the scrambled eggplant into the trash when no one was looking.

The Commander was too nervous to eat anyway. Even though he understood the method to the Doctor's madness in making him look like Wander, there was still the issue of getting away from Sylvia so he could put the façade to evil use. If she caught him doing anything that was out of character for Wander, he'd be in deep sludge. He even decided to forego his morning coffee at the restaurant, figuring Wander was too childish to appreciate a cup of joe.

Desperate to get as far as he could from the Zbornak, Peepers stammered, "S-Sylvia, I'm...I'm just gonna run to the 'little wanderer's' room. I'll be right back."

"Wander, wait a sec."

"Yeah...?" Peepers gulped, a bead of sweat running down his face.

"Listen," Sylvia sighed, "I know I've been a little...overprotective of you lately. We had a real close call with that Calisto woman not too long ago, and I want you to be safe but...it isn't right for me to treat you like a child either, and I'm sorry. You just promise me you'll be careful, and I'll promise to ease up, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ease up on being careful! Gotta go!"

Peepers darted off as Sylvia yelled after him that wasn't what she said. He thought for sure he was busted when he was suddenly pulled into an alleyway, only to realize it was Dr. Facilitator.

"You seem to be in a better mood today," the voodoo man remarked, with a grin.

"Sheesh, I really hafta go, y'know..." Peepers muttered.

"Just a quick heads-up...under no circumstances can you put that hat of yours down, and WHATEVER you do, do NOT let anything happen to that star..."

"Never? I mean, I know the guy loves this thing, but won't his sidekick suspect something if I-"

Facilitator lifted the hat off Peepers' head. Once he was no longer touching it, the Commander's body reverted back to that of a Watchdog.

"Point taken..." he muttered as Facilitator returned the hat, changing Peepers into Wander once more. "So if I'm here, where's the real Wander?"

"You needn't worry your pretty little eye about that," Facilitator assured him, tapping the cursed star on the hat, "so long as we've got the furball's blood in THIS."

"But he's bound to come along and find a way to stop us! He's a lot craftier than he looks. Trust me..."

"Yes, he IS bound to show up..." Facilitator mused, "and when he does...everybody and their grandma is gonna tear him to SHREDS."

"...I'm so sorry I ever doubted you, Doc," Peepers replied with a grin.

"Attaboy... Now, I believe you said you had some BUSINESS to attend to..."

"Right, right!"

As soon as Peepers was finished with said "business," he starting looking around for anything that would besmirch Wander's do-gooder name. It occurred to him that Wander said his Hat was magic. Perhaps it could give him something incriminating to use against the Star Nomad. Oddly enough, though, the Hat was NOT on Peepers' side. It could tell the real Wander from an imposter, and instead presented Peepers with...

"Handcuffs...? An orange jumpsuit...?? A sire-AAAAAH!!!"

The police siren he'd been given immediately started blaring in his ears. If this was the kind of attitude the Hat was going to show, he was surprised it didn't close a bear trap on his hand. Peepers shoved the flashing, wailing light back into the chapeau before it could attract attention. Clearly, he was going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. Just then, he saw his opportunity: a man struggling to carry a heavy box, barely able to see where he was going. Thinking fast, Peepers pretended to be standing on the side of the road, whistling, until the man came his way. Then he stuck his foot out and tripped the poor soul, the box flying out of his hands and its contents shattering when it hit the ground!

"My mother's wedding china...!" the man whimpered.

"You're a grown man and NOW your mom is getting married?!" Peepers laughed. "How pathetic! Like mother like son!"

As the man burst into tears, Peepers envisioned the possibilities that lay before him; the opportunity to drag Wander down and, at the same time, bring Lord Hater the glory he'd lost because of the Star Nomad.

"Yessss....Ohhh, I have never felt so powerful IN ALL MY LIFE!!!"

With that, Peepers ran off to cause even more misery, cackling like a lunatic kid left alone in a toy store.

----

A strong wind whipped across the desert as Wander soared overhead. He'd taken to flying like, well, a dragon to flying, although not without putting a few dents in the ground and rocks in the area.

"Whew! Those birdies make it look so easy! Now I just gotta find Sylvia, and get her to recognize me as m'true self!"

However, with his keen dragon eyes, he saw something down below: a comically tiny man struggling to change a massive tire on his truck, the midday sun pushing him to his limit.

"Must...get...to town..." the miniscule motorist gasped. "Need...Thunder Blazz..."

This was Wander's chance to put his newfound power to good use. Like a massive bird of prey, he swooped down and landed beside the driver.

"Don't worry, sir!" Wander proudly announced. "I can get you to a local tuning shop in no time!"

Wander had no way of knowing that, while his voice sounded completely normal to him, to non-dragon ears it was nothing but an incomprehensible roar. As far as the little man knew, this bellowing monster was about to bite his head off.

"GAH!! MONSTER!! MONSTER!!"

The little man immediately zipped off, running faster than his oversized truck could have gone.

"Wait!" Wander called after him. "I may be a dragon, but I'm not gonna eatcha!"

Unfortunately, the previously stranded motorist continued running for his life, leaving poor Wander completely puzzled.

"I guess I can't really blame 'im," Wander sighed. "If I saw somethin' like this comin' at me, I'd probably run away, too. And Sylvia would...Sylvia! She'll be able to put in a good word for me. I gotta find her soon."

Wander made several other attempts to help people, all with the same results. When he tried to help a mother round up her eleven sugar-high children, he frightened them so badly that they scattered all over the place; When he attempted to assist a man in need of directions, the guy ran back the way he came. Wander couldn't understand why everyone kept fleeing from him, unaware that they couldn't understand him at all. In desperation, he tried writing "I am nice" in the dirt with his claw, but the cloud of dust he stirred up caused him to sneeze...and when he did, he breathed FIRE!

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Wander screamed.

Anyone who hadn't fled at the mere sight of him ran like crazy once they saw the blaze. Wander tried in vain to blow it out like birthday candles, but he only succeeded in fanning the flames. In desperation, Wander attempted to use Doom Dragon ice breath, and to his relief, it actually worked.

"This is getting out of hand," Wander sighed. "I gotta find Sylvia before something worse happens."

Wander flew off as fast as his dragon wings could carry him. If anyone could help him now, it was Sylvia.

----

"Where the flarf is he???" Sylvia grumbled.

Sylvia, being as far from stupid as they come, could very well tell something was off about her "partner's" behavior. He never checked back in with her after going to the bathroom, not to mention he'd run off without listening to what she had to say. She'd initially given him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he just really had to go, but when a half hour had passed without any sign of him, she set out to look for the Star Nomad all over town. Suddenly, she noticed a commotion a few yards away. A small group of space cops were putting Wander in handcuffs!

"You can't keep this little guy locked up!" he declared. "I'll be back to reign terror before you know it!"

"Tell it to the judge, ya furry menace!"

"Wander??" Sylvia gasped, hurrying over to the crowd. "What's going on here??"

One of the officers turned to Sylvia and explained, "This little guy is under arrest for assault, destruction of property, and disturbing the peace!"

"He broke my cane into pieces!" an elderly man shouted.

"He used me in a game of Whack-a-Mole!" a mole man grumbled, revealing the bump on his head.

"He intentionally frightened my child!" a woman added.

"The things he said about my mother..." the man who'd been carrying the box of china moaned. "They were monstrous!"

People continued listing Wander's various offenses, until Sylvia finally spoke up, "Hold the phone! All of you! Somethin's goin' on here! The last time he did somethin' like this, he was being controlled by someone else! Maybe that Calisto chick is back or something!! Or maybe this is...a..."

As Sylvia's voice trailed off, the crowd scattered in a panic. Peepers glanced around to see what had frightened them, and caught sight of his reflection in a window. His two eyes had fused back into one!

"I-I have an eye condition...!" he stammered.

The Hat had quite enough of this charade at this point and flopped off the imposter's head. Peepers' body quickly reverted back to normal.

"YOU!!" Sylvia roared.

Peepers grabbed the demon star off the Hat, and ran like a blat out of heck. Sylvia was about to give chase when a bone-chilling roar suddenly echoed through the streets.

"What the-?!!"

Everyone had initially been running from the Star Nomad's mutated eye, but now they were fleeing from the Doom Dragon that was flying toward Sylvia.

"SYLVIA!!!" Wander cried out. "IT'S ME, WANDER!!! OH AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!!!"

The next thing Wander knew, he was on the ground, his head spinning and feeling like he'd just gotten bucked in the face by a bronco.

"OWW!!"

He lifted his head, his right eye squinting from the horrible pain in his cheek. When he saw Sylvia charging at him, he realized exactly what had happened: his best buddy had either punched or kicked him in the face with all her might. Sylvia had actually HIT him, and it wasn't an act of tough love this time. She'd actually meant to hurt him.

"N-No, wait!! Syl, it's me!!"

Dodging Sylvia's punches, Wander spotted his hat on the ground, and gently placed it on top of his giant head, smiling his signature grin.

"GET YOUR CLAWS OFF THAT HAT!!"

Sylvia pummeled Wander's draconic face, and grabbed the hat back. Wander backed away in terror of his best friend, his draconic heart splitting in two. Finally, he frantically flapped his wings and took off with tears in his eyes. He still hadn't realized that she couldn't understand his pleas for her to listen, nor could anyone else within earshot. As far as he knew, his best friend didn't like him anymore just because he was a Doom Dragon.

"YEAH, GET OUT OF HERE, YA LEATHER-HEADED LUMMOX!!" Sylvia shouted after the beast.

Sylvia picked up the hat, lamenting that the monster must have torn the star off the band. Suddenly, there was another loud rumble overhead, and before she could say "now what?" two spaceships came to a stop over the city, one looking like a hand-me-down Millennium Falcon, and the other looking like something from a Captain America and He-Man crossover. Out of the first ship came Ryder and out of the other came Brad Starlight.

"Okay," Sylvia's former partner exclaimed, "where is the scaly son-of-a-gun??"

"Ryder?!"

"Syl! Long time, no see! Where's the orange lint-ball?"

Before Sylvia could call him out for belittling her best friend, the Empress arrived as well to investigate the commotion in her own cruiser.

"What is this?" IO demanded.

"We heard the news of a monstrous Doom Dragon terrorizing this planet," Brad Starlight announced, "and I have come to vanquish it like a TRUE hero!"

IO furrowed her brow and turned to Ryder, inquiring, "And you are...what...?"

"Ya know how much a Doom Dragon pelt is worth on the bla-I mean...the totally legit, not illegal market...?"

"Oh, please," Sylvia muttered.

"Not if I beat you to the snaring of that dragon!" Brad declared.

"Not so fast," IO interjected. "You need my clearance before you try and hunt anything..."

Ryder butted in, "Well, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, I won't let you down."

"That's NOT how it works. You think I'm going to let you prance around all trigger happy without running background checks on both of you??"

"No need to trouble yourself," Sylvia stated. "That guy's a crook, and the other one's a misogynistic poser who nearly burned a planet to the ground tryin' to kill my friend!"

"Speaking of which, where is that little, orange scoundrel?" Brad demanded. "In my eyes, he's no different than that monstrous Doom Dragon!"

"WHY YOU TUTTI-FRUTTI PRETTY BOY!!" Sylvia snarled.

IO threw up her hands and interjected, "Enough! I'M the leader of this planet! I say what goes and what doesn't go! And this poppycock DOESN'T GO!"

"IO! Not in front of the children..."

IO, Sylvia, and the would-be dragon hunters looked over at Dirt, who had just arrived on a rusty land rover, his trench coat pockets filled with poppy seedlings.

"Say, anybody else see that wicked Doom Dragon, flyin' out of town??" the Empress' companion asked.

Just then, Sylvia remembered: the little Wander imposter, aka Commander Peepers!

"Wait a minute!" the Zbornak gasped. "Peepers was pretendin' to be Wander! What if that ugly handbag DID get 'im!??"

"Okay, okay," IO sighed. "Dirt and I will look for the dragon. You look around here for Wander and Peepers, and make sure these two nimrods don't cause any damage."

IO glared at Ryder and Brad. Even with their thick skulls, they got the message to mind their P's and Q's. While Sylvia was concerned that her best friend had ended up in the literal belly of the beast, the Empress couldn't help feeling that the appearance of both a Wander imposter AND a Doom Dragon was more than a coincidence...

----

Once he was absolutely certain that Sylvia hadn't followed him, Peepers finally stopped to catch his breath in a back alleyway, only to lose it once again when Facilitator took him by surprise, and snatched away the star he was still holding.

"NO!!" the Doctor growled, as the last of Wander's blood drained out of the talisman.

"Wh-what's going on, Doc?!" the Commander wheezed.

"Seems that "magic" hat figured out how to expose us," Facilitator sneered. "Now...I'll have to call for assistance from my friends on the other side..."

To be continued...